A DAY IN MY SUCKS LIFE

You already know that when its 2020, I always did workout from 2018-2020 until I lost so much weight. Now my weight is around 42-45kg, the smallest weight I ever have in my life. I got so many stretchmark and dizziness. And I also do college every monday to thursday and part time job at friday to sunday. I feel tired. I eat food as much as I can until I feel like throwing out but I still have to push it. I don't feel like work but I should go because I need money.

This year Im getting back with my emotional unavailable ex (its way too complicated but just summarize it) so yeah my mind is in trouble again. I know its not healthy and to be honest I really can not handle myself, im so lonely and terrible. I fuckin do my overwork shit but I still feel the same, no matter if I use logic or not it still the same. When I hv money I dont want to spend it. Id rather saving till death. I keep my options open so I wish I could met better partner who can team up with me to face this shitty life. 

if u ask me what my perfect life, I seriously dont know bcs Im getting used to this fucked up life so I could dreaming more, but I want a simple dinner in a luxury cafe with luxury dress and nice car while drinking champagne. Also living in Europe prolly my best dream. Also having financial and partner stable so I could feel safe in life. And having money that I could buy proper clothes. Amen. 

Everytime I pray I couldnt feel God anymore, I felt like this since I was in middle school. God is nothing. And so do I. Whenever I pray I feel Im lonely and thought that this mass doesnt hv any use or unusefull. Church makes my anxiety worse and worse since the new omk sucks. I thought it was my lack of social skill but i think its not. They just want to be friend with the same race as them. Poor me I have to suffer.